Beren deMotier * writer * artist * human
The First Wedding Anniversary
copyright Feb. 26, 2005
On March 3rd, the wife and I will have been married one year. Never mind that on December 26th we celebrated eighteen years together (by going to dinner at my mother’s of all things!?), and we’ve seen a lot of anniversaries come and go.
But this one is special.
I must admit that it has been both the pinnacle of joy, and bitterly painful, to have been married last March amid the support and disdain of a bipolar nation. When we got the call last year that told us Multnomah County had opened the door to same-sex marriage, we didn’t hesitate for a moment. We wanted to be legally married, not just for the hundreds of legal benefits marriage offers (which we assumed we wouldn’t get to enjoy), but because as members of a community we wanted the recognition, symbolism and celebration that marriage offers.
This year, we get to celebrate that anniversary with four other couples, close friends, who shared that magical day with us, all of us married in the Portland, Oregon, First Unitarian Church, with an avalanche of love and support pouring in from all sides.
Most of our kids were with us that day, among us we have ten in all, differing in ages, attitudes and genders, but united in joy for parents who have passed the test of marriage in every other way.
It was decided last year that on our anniversary, the kids would celebrate, as well as the adults, though we don’t know how just yet; lazer tag, sumptuous feasts, and a day off from school, have all been discussed. They got into the spirit at the time, and they’re still jazzed about it. Getting married was for them too; to protect them, to celebrate them, to make them “legitimate”.
This last week a reporter called to ask us how we felt as our anniversary approached, asking what benefits we’d received from getting married. I waffled about calling him back. He knows there have been no legal benefits. Despite our marriages being registered with the state, they are in legal limbo. Does he wonder if we now have joint membership at health clubs? The zoo? Or have to pay more on our taxes as a married couple? Clearly there are no social security benefits, automatic inheritance, or any of the other perks married heterosexuals got gratis with a license to wed.
I’ve spoken to reporters before, had quotes in the paper, and had my share of ribbing from people who see our marriage and others like them as publicity stunts, attention seeking, or as Barney Frank put it “spectacle weddings,” proving that he simply doesn’t get it about wanting to marry the one you love. It is hard to have something so personal, so important, laid out naked on the table of public debate.
Many people did “get it” though, last year, as it became suddenly obvious what we’d been denied all these years. Friends who have known us, taking for granted that we were a married couple, just like them, and knowing how important their wedding, and marriage status was to them, showed up armed with greetings, flowers and gifts to tell us just how much they understood.
As time went on, and the election happened, many people are ready to “move on,” feeling like the marriage issue is over with, not realizing that it is far from over for us. As the legal cases continue, our friends’ and our marriages may end up moot, become civil unions, or be strange islands of legal marriage in an ocean of Constitutional discrimination.
Has being married made a difference? It is hard to know. Is it a coincidence that we have come to a place where we seem to love each other, care for each other and work hard to be the best person we can be, more than ever before? Is it from being married that we have resolved old pains, rediscovered old joys, and forgiven ourselves and each other for past mistakes? We seem to look with more open eyes at daily miracles, at the beauty of clouds in a bright blue sky, at the startled laugh of a tickled child, at the calm of a weekday morning. Could a wedding do all that?
Whatever happens, we are married. March 3rd is our anniversary date. We share it with many couples, including our dear friends, who have also weathered the ups and downs, the pains and joys, and the many years that brought us to that fateful day. March 3rd, 2004, was our wedding day, come what may.